Well my GCSEs are finally OVERRR, and the holidays are ready to roll in and punch me in the gut with procrastination, lonliness and sleepless nights. Yay! No really i am happy about the holidays, its just what to do when they arrive that stumps me and by the end i really regret how i used my time. like theres so much time to spend and i have no idea what to do with it.
Hopefully i get some writing done, and maybe finish at least one peice of artwork by the end. Fortunatly for me 4 weeks of my holidays have already been decided for me because around auguest im going to this thing called NCS where they take in kids from 16-18 probably to take them away to some forest or something i not quiet sure… you know when i say it like that it sounds really creepy and suspicious… Yeah but no its fine hopefully if i dont fall off a cliff or get lost because im useless, they’re going toteach us camping and cool survival stuff with loads of other young people and just help us be more independant but learn how to work in a team. i really afraid that im either not going to participate or im going to just boss everyone around because im not really the best at working as a team. i just get really frustrated when i see something done inefficiantly and i just have to step in to show them how its done and of course people rightly take that with amounts of indignation and annoyance. I do want to learn how to better myself and be more social and work well with others and i hope that this trip will help me do that.
The trip is causing me to freak out ever so slightly because well it it my first proper time ill be away from home and ill just be meeting up with randome starngers ive never met and be expcepted to socialize and you can see why that would not sound like the best idea in the world for me. Youve all probaby heard the phrase ‘get out of your comfort zone’ but im always outside my comfort zone and doing this actually feels like trying to leap a canyon. So im trying to both mentally and physically prepare myself to the best of my ability by first signing up for the gym the month before which is july and get my lazy butt out of bed and also going outside a bit more maybe just simply to the shops and getting a subway to be more comfortable about … well… people. to put it normally:
Yeah its silly but i hope itll work, but for now i should get some sleep and fix my sleep schedule.
first off, this picture has no relevance to anything here and i didnt take the photo but i like how my posts look with pictures
free, im free, dobby is finally free… well for a week at least and even though its only been two days ive already gone and embarresed myself. Well i guess i wouldnt say it was embarresting rather more awkward and unplanned and well i dont react very well to things i have not planned for. My brain just goes ‘i CaNT’t deal with ThIs, error error social cue not found, panic, panic, panic, PANIC!!!’ and everything just goes haywire in my brain, theres distant screaming, theres fire everywhere and theres just cats everywhere, completely in their element, thriving. i mean it wouldnt be my brain if there wasnt some cats, anyway verry off topic I’ll just get into my little story now, its not going to sound too dramatic as i write it down but trust me, it felt like i was in a fucking james bond movie at the time with the theme song and unnessicery action scenes, dramatisization and everything…i met a classmate…outside of school.
I may have had a mini heart attack as the worse thing was they were working in my faviorate subway, so i had to order from the guy, and you would think i’d just order and be on my way right? no more worries, we’re not that great friends we can both just go our seperate ways and i can stuff my face in peace. wroooooooong, oh no we’ve got to start a conversation, talking about coincidence and then he goes and jokingly refuses me my burger. Boy, do you really think my lunchtime is a joke? but now i cant concentrate on my food ive got to put all of my energy into coming up with a way this wont end awkwardly, and all that peacefull energy i had stored while walking here? gone, its flown away. just like the fucks i gave about trying to come up with something to say. And so i inevitably suddenly find the signs around me incredibly interesting, i mean would you look at how generous this £500 giveaway is or something or other on this crisp. honestly now i get what people mean in books when they talk about two minuites being the longest in their lives now. i normally im able to excuse myself to the bathroom to come up with a battleplan but there was no getting out of this one, i had to endure it and i just hope he doesnt mention it at school tbh.
so that was terrible, thankfully the day wasnt over, i was still going to the local store to buy a book and some art stuff and id be calm and happy again… NOPE. guess what? i had to go bump into another guy. fantastic,brilliant, absolutely supurb… hope you can read the sarcasm there because there isnt a font for that unfortunatly. but i didnt have to talk with them this time, just skillfully avoid. and since we were walking the same way i suddenly decided i needed some more excercise anyway and went the long way. yay!
but yes to sumerise im a mess. and i swear to god, i will be more social and able to not be socially awkward hopefully in the future. i am going to go to college afterall and im figuring ill either blossom there or wither like a slug under salt. oh, im sorry, that was an unnessicarily horrifc visual image, ugh no, why i am so sorry.
I mean its rare enough i go outside for any reason anyways, but when i do you can bet that its not going to be peaceful. Because people. im kidding of course, people are cool and nice but that doesnt stop me from hating them from time to time because im still a child and cant deal with things.
I kinda feel bad now talking badly about this person, but its not really that i dont like them, its literally me thats the problem i need to teach my brain to process social situations correctly and yeah, that was what happened on my quest to the outside world. yes i would say the second time seeing the sun was definatly better than the first. okay, okay i need to go and study and finish the book i brought now. i may give a reveiw as i have many opinions. okay Night Guys, Byee
I really should have gotten the hang of this blog thing by now, but honestly I’m still kinda terrified about not getting something right and just making everyone hate me. its irrational I know, but even with my social anxiety getting so much better lately with virtually no panic attacks I still cant get the doubts and fears out of my head. Its just a part of being human I guess, I’m just glad now it doesn’t interfere with my day to day life any more. And moving on to less depressing stuff, lets talk ART.
I’ve had my exam but I cant show you my Art Exam piece because your not allowed legally, but I was quite happy with how it turned out. I did spill a cup of water (showing the world yet again how graceful and elegant of a creature I really am) halfway through me painting but I somehow speed painted and just about finished. Granted I did have about 12 chocolates, two coffees drinks and a crisp that may have helped the process…
But anyway hopefully I get that A ive been working towards. But yeah in the meanwhile here’s one of my side pieces to support my work and raise my marks, ill be done soon hopefully after I somehow do the stems.
For some reason I feel like I’m going to mess up on them. Aaaand now I should go and study English Literature, I have a two hour exam tomorrow, wish me luck.
Well I doubt anybody cares, but hi I’ve been absent from my blog for a while because I had to concentrate on school. But I was getting a bit too little sleep and was generally feeling shitty and so began this piece I’m currently working on:
Its almost finished and I’m quite surprised at how OK its turning out. I mean I was literally painting for the sake of painting with no plan or anything.
I also brought some non school related books that I’m really excited to read ( after this last week of exams )
So yes it looks like I may just about survive this. Wish me luck.
i havent made a post for so long im sorry, the mocks and everything you know and i my spare time i either study or draw. i made a drawing for a friend and it came out better than i expected, seeing as i have never drawn the male body in its full… *cough, cough* complexity (i had to google a lot of references…) . this is a picture of right before i ruined it by trying draw the sea using chalk pastels for the first time
and getting very messy (but weirdly aesthetically pleasing) hands in the process
anyway this is before
Look at that oil stain, i foolishly thought that it wouldnt show… thankfully the hands weren’t as big of a failer i thought they’d turn out.
its currently 4am and i should really sleep…
I have an embarrassing confession to make guys…
i have never in my life won any sort of award, not even those participation ones mainly because i never really, well, participated. that may have stemmed partly from laziness, partly fear of people as well as losing, but also winning… Now let me explain, when you win you have to go up on stage and everything, you are the point of everyone attention, and that wasn’t really a nice thought for my socially anxious self, so their really was no escape for me. But thankfully i dont have to do anything of that sort online so this award was a very serendipitous surprise.
Okay ive babbled on enough now, id like to thank Zada in all sincerity for nominating me for this award, even though i had no idea that i was a versatile blogger. now on to the official stuff.
Here’s the Rules:
First off, remembering your manners you thank the person that nominated you and include a link to their blog. Then you can go on to nominate at least 10 bloggers of your choice. When considering a fellow blogger for the Versatile Blogger Award, keep in mind what you love about them such as the quality of their writing, the uniqueness of their subject matter and the level of love displayed on the virtual page.
Link your nominees and let them know about their nomination. And finally you may bask in your well earned spotlight by sharing seven facts about yourself.
Now here’s my seven awesome (and slightly narcissistic as you can see) facts about me;
¬ I’m good at drawing, but most of that talent came from doodling on every page of my school text books and over walls since i was 3. My teachers gave up trying to make me stop a long time ago
¬ hate the unknown.
¬ i love opinions, different points of views, different cultures, variety is awesome. sometimes however people have the tendancy to hate mindlessly, in that case i dont like your opinion only because its mindless. if you dont like something, tell me why and how you look at that topic of interest.
¬ i am a huuuuuuge marvel geek (TEAM IRON MAN AND SUPERMAN, although i feel like the superman vs batman will be terrible)
¬ despite reading all my life and mostly having adventures of the literary nature, i am absolutely atrocious at spelling
¬ my handwriting is a mess, all over the place and has no direction, a true representation of me
¬ apparently i have a posh voice which i dont agree with, i mean just because im articulate doesnt mean i go horse-riding in my own personal mansion in red trousers, drinking tea that was brought to me by my butler.
¬ i actually love math, especially algebra (yes, yes i sould like a huge bore, im not really at least i hope, its not like i talk about maths all day)
so thats all, i tried not to write too obvious things but i have kept some things to myself. and now hereees the lovely nominees
- musings of a whimsical soul
- theshamefulsheep (more humour based though but still brilliant)
thats it unfortunatly as i have no friends. keeping in mind im still kinda new here and most of the people i follow are book/art blogs not versatile so ive had to only nominee 4 people as i dont know many people. sorry, Aaaaaaand Night guys (i feel like thats become a thing now, i always blog at night so i can rant properly about my day)
Wow, would you look at that I managed to stay away from the internet for a full week! Boy has it been hectic, but finally mocks have ended thank god, I feel like I did pretty good but I could have done waaaay better in Additional Science. Still have my five hour art exam to go though
I sketch I did for my piece, and then kinda strayed from the path and drew some hot people
Yeah, still works in progress though. It’s not really going on the internet so its not really procrastinating right? I went to an interview at Matthew boulton yesterday…the art teacher who interviewed me was incredibly chill but the maths one said I should do a humanitarian course with sociology and history along with art, no way. You see my school is very lazy with predicted grades and they just gave me a C in everything except my art teacher who actually thought about it and gave me an A. So yeah the math teacher apparently thought I was a “dreamer” and that my expectations were unrealistic… basically she was saying that it seemed to her that I could never do science or math. Of course I felt insulted, I’m not kidding I know this is a cliché but I really have dreamed of being a scientist ever since I was probably 5. Now I know that financially being a Forensic Scientist would be better and I get to help people so that’s a bonus. But here this woman is basically crushing all these dreams, this singular dream I have been working towards all my life. Maybe she feels that if your good at art, that you can’t be good at the sciences? I don’t know, but I’m still pretty mad about the whole affair as she did not even hear me through. One things for sure is that this has made me even more determined and I am so proving her wrong. I’ll get an A, you’ll see. Hopefully the sollihull interview will go better, as well as my JC one.
Well, I’m officially growing up people. and i hate it… all this work into CVs and personal statements got me thinking when i was procrastinating the actual work that, im going to have serious people reading these… people are going to see me as an… adult…??? im going to get… a job maybe? ill soon be doing a serious course in university, with a part time job and perhaps living on my own. that is if i survive college. all this thoughts of jobs, university and everything, it feels so surreal and daunting. i mean ive always thought about the future alot, college and everything. i knew what was coming, id planned out everything since i was a child, because obviously what better way is there to spend an afternoon for a 7 year old girl. but seriously i feel like this is the first time its really dawning on me that its finally fast approaching, no longer a dream… and Im not ready. i didn’t expect this to come so early, well maybe i did but it was more a a ‘tomorrow’ kind of early. tomorrow is always right around the bend yet it never arrives. tomorrow will no longer be tomorrow when it comes. it only exists as a concept, an idea. i just feel truly vulnerable now and at the risk of being seen as an utter coward, ill still be honest, its terrifying the crap out of me.
New book 😀 its more of a calmer one than I’m used to, my preferred genre is mostly adventure, sci-fi and especially mystery/detective. This is more of an ordinary tale of a girl who half English and half Hungarian and she feels she does not belong anywhere. The only other book I’ve heard of that sounds like this that’s actually on my reading list is ‘The Manifesto of being Interesting’ because it sounds like something I might relate. Considering I’m of Asian origin who lives in England, maybe I’ll really enjoy this. I don’t know, but I’ll find out soon… I feel like I shouldn’t be reading at this time… it is the weekend and only one more week of locks left but I guess I’m supposed to focus on GCSEs… well if I don’t make any more posts for a few weeks maybe just maybe in an inexplicable turn of events I may have actually got my priorities straight. Hermione would be proud
Night then guys