IM FREE

Well my GCSEs are finally OVERRR, and the holidays are ready to roll in and punch me in the gut with procrastination, lonliness and sleepless nights. Yay! No really i am happy about the holidays, its just what to do when they arrive that stumps me and by the end i really regret how i used my time. like theres so much time to spend and i have no idea what to do with it.

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Hopefully i get some writing done, and maybe finish at least one peice of artwork by the end. Fortunatly for me 4 weeks of my holidays have already been decided for me because around auguest im going to this thing called NCS where they take in kids from 16-18 probably to take them away to some forest or something i not quiet sure… you know when i say it like that it sounds really creepy and suspicious… Yeah but no its fine hopefully if i dont fall off a cliff or get lost because im useless, they’re going toteach us camping and cool survival stuff with loads of other young people and just help us be more independant but learn how to work in a team. i really afraid that im either not going to participate or im going to just boss everyone around because im not really the best at working as a team. i just get really frustrated when i see something done inefficiantly and i just have to step in to show them how its done and of course people rightly take that with amounts of indignation and annoyance. I do want to learn how to better myself and be more social and work well with others and i hope that this trip will help me do that.

The trip is causing me to freak out ever so slightly because well it it my first proper time ill be away from home and ill just be meeting up with randome starngers ive never met and be expcepted to socialize and you can see why that would not sound like the best idea in the world for me. Youve all probaby heard the phrase ‘get out of your comfort zone’ but im always outside my comfort zone and doing this actually feels like trying to leap a canyon. So im trying to both mentally and physically prepare myself to the best of my ability by first signing up for the gym the month before which is july and get my lazy butt out of bed and also going outside a bit more maybe just simply to the shops and getting a subway to be more comfortable about … well… people. to put it normally:

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Yeah its silly but i hope itll work, but for now i should get some sleep and fix my sleep schedule.

Night guys

 

Half-Term with Awkward Encounters.

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first off, this picture has no relevance to anything here and i didnt take the photo but i like how my posts look with pictures :/

free, im free, dobby is finally free… well for a week at least and even though its only been two days ive already gone and embarresed myself. Well i guess i wouldnt say it was embarresting rather more awkward and unplanned and well i dont react very well to things i have not planned for. My brain just goes ‘i CaNT’t deal with ThIs, error error social cue not found, panic, panic, panic, PANIC!!!’ and everything just goes haywire in my brain, theres distant screaming, theres fire everywhere and theres just cats everywhere, completely in their element, thriving. i mean it wouldnt be my brain if there wasnt some cats, anyway verry off topic I’ll just get into my little story now, its not going to sound too dramatic as i write it down but trust me, it felt like i was in a fucking james bond movie at the time with the theme song and unnessicery action scenes, dramatisization and everything…i met a classmate…outside of school.

I may have had a mini heart attack as the worse thing was they were working in my faviorate subway, so i had to order from the guy, and you would think i’d just order and be on my way right? no more worries, we’re not that great friends we can both just go our seperate ways and i can stuff my face in peace. wroooooooong, oh no we’ve got to start a conversation, talking about coincidence and then he goes and jokingly refuses me my burger. Boy, do you really think my lunchtime is a joke? but now i cant concentrate on my food ive got to put all of my energy into coming up with a way this wont end awkwardly, and all that peacefull energy i had stored while walking here? gone, its flown away. just like the fucks i gave about trying to come up with something to say. And so i inevitably suddenly find the signs around me incredibly interesting, i mean would you look at how generous this £500 giveaway is or something or other on this crisp. honestly now i get what people mean in books when they talk about two minuites being the longest in their lives now. i normally im able to excuse myself to the bathroom to come up with a battleplan but there was no getting out of this one, i had to endure it and i just hope he doesnt mention it at school tbh.

so that was terrible, thankfully the day wasnt over, i was still going to the local store to buy a book and some art stuff and id be calm and happy again… NOPE. guess what? i had to go bump into another guy. fantastic,brilliant, absolutely supurb… hope you can read the sarcasm there because there isnt a font for that unfortunatly. but i didnt have to talk with them this time, just skillfully avoid. and since we were walking the same way i suddenly decided i needed some more excercise anyway and went the long way. yay!

but yes to sumerise im a mess. and i swear to god, i will be more social and able to not be socially awkward hopefully in the future. i am going to go to college afterall and im figuring ill either blossom there or wither like a slug under salt. oh, im sorry, that was an unnessicarily horrifc visual image, ugh no, why i am so sorry.

I mean its rare enough i go outside for any reason anyways, but when i do you can bet that its not going to be peaceful. Because people. im kidding of course, people are cool and nice but that doesnt stop me from hating them from time to time because im still a child and cant deal with things.

I kinda feel bad now talking badly about this person, but its not really that i dont like them, its literally me thats the problem i need to teach my brain to process social situations correctly and yeah, that was what happened on my quest to the outside world. yes i would say the second time seeing the sun was definatly better than the first. okay, okay i need to go and study and finish the book i brought now. i may give a reveiw as i have many opinions. okay Night Guys, Byee

Mermaid Drawing

i havent made a post for so long im sorry, the mocks and everything you know and i my spare time i either study or draw. i made a drawing for a friend and it came out better than i expected, seeing as i have never drawn the male body in its full… *cough, cough* complexity (i had to google a lot of references…) . this is a picture of right before i ruined it by trying draw the sea using chalk pastels for the first time

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and getting very messy (but weirdly aesthetically pleasing) hands in the process

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anyway this is before

 

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After

Look at that oil stain, i foolishly thought that it wouldnt show… thankfully the hands weren’t as big of a failer i thought they’d turn out.

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its currently 4am and i should really sleep…

night guys

College & The Future

Well, I’m officially growing up people. and i hate it… all this work into CVs and personal statements got me thinking when i was procrastinating the actual work that, im going to have serious people reading these… people are going to see me as an… adult…??? im going to get… a job maybe? ill soon be doing a serious course in university, with a part time job and perhaps living on my own. that is if i survive college. all this thoughts of jobs, university and everything, it feels so surreal and daunting. i mean ive always thought about the future alot, college and everything. i knew what was coming, id planned out everything since i was a child, because obviously what better way is there to spend an afternoon for a 7 year old girl. but seriously i feel like this is the first time its really dawning on me that its finally fast approaching, no longer a dream… and Im not ready. i didn’t expect this to come so early, well maybe i did but it was more a a ‘tomorrow’ kind of early. tomorrow is always right around the bend yet it never arrives. tomorrow will no longer be tomorrow when it comes. it only exists as a concept, an idea.  i just feel truly vulnerable now and at the risk of being seen as an utter coward, ill still be honest, its terrifying the crap out of me.

Deer in Headlights

Well I embarresed my self in front of the whole school school today morning, yep… Defiantly a sign your day is going to go brilliantly. The start of my day can be described in one word; tired. I was up all night watching my guilty pleasure, Glee. So my mind was not working properly as its not been this whole year, I keep reading things wrong, I’m missing deadlines, and I’m just constantly screwing up everything that I touch. Basically I felt very crappy that morning. So our school doesn’t really allow phones but everyone brings them anyway and the teachers know but don’t really care. I didnt really find the point of bringing it in really but today I thought I would because I wanted to top up my phone in one of the shops on the way to school. Bad mistake. Yeah, I can see you know where this is going. So we have year assemblies that are basically the same all the time “Exams, be successfull, blah, blah, blah”, sometimes their okay but only on rare occasion’s, so yeah as we were going in, and my friend spotted that my skirt was inside out, thank god. I say that because I don’t think people had noticed yet but if I went throughout the day like that without knowing I think I would probably break my streak of “days gone without a panic attack”. But I was still embarresed, but I was trying to tell myself there’s a crowd everyone’s bunched together, its fine, nobody’s noticing you, you can change afterwards quickly and I started to chill finally as I was getting in my chair in the hall as it covered my skirt. I kinda drifted off for a minuite of two admiring my crush’s hand structure while simultaneously listening to a friend. Suddenly a loud high-pitched Chinese/Japanese song starts in my area, in this huge silent hall full of people. At first I didn’t realise, when I did however, honestly, I almost had a heart attack. I swear those 5-8 seconds of desperately  praying it wasn’t as loud as I thought and fumbling around in my pocket were the longest and most terrifying moments in my life. My phone alarm was going off… In assembly… With my whole year group… Wow… As my friend put it so eloquently “this mornin’ is just not going your way, is it?”. By some miracle, the teachers didn’t hear it. I don’t know, maybe the ones that did hear felt sorry for me or something, I don’t know but, my god , was I relieved. So I think only three tables heard it… A third of the school now knows I’m a weirdo and a joke . BUT GUYS, the rest of the day was not nearly as bad, and the day ended wonderfully with art and a proper conversation with my teacher (you have no idea how hard that is to find for me, I’ve only had a proper conversation with three people in my school //and by proper I guess a kind of mean an intelligent discussion, ¯°_o)/¯ I don’t know, I like them//).
So yeah it wasn’t terrible, and I’ve just had pizza that’s why the world doesn’t seem so bad rn…. Its really selfish in a way, your tummy full being all I care about. Goddamn it now I feel awefull, I have to go paint so I stop myself thinking as its not going to suddenly make the world perfect.
Night guys

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Bad Day

Well today was aweful, and seeing as I’m British, I suppose its my duty to complain. First off my useless scamp of a computer which I already hated as it ran on the worst computer platform ever, the abomination that is windows 10. I mean it didn’t even have  Microsoft Word, you have to pay for it after a month of free usage, and start engine is a mess, its privacy statement is messed up, my settings are being tempered with always making my default search engine f*cking yahoo instead of google, and to top it all off the idiotic thing had to go and malfunction right in the middle of me writing my essay evaluation which I have to give in tomorrow of 1000 words of which I’d done 600… All of that gone in a second. With that and the former glitches with YouTube and other websites unable to perform properly, it was obvious I had a virus. I dont know how or why, as i didnt download anything except for Steam, I have a hunch that it got in when I was watching glee some link might’ve caused a problem… Yes I started glee, I wanted to know what all the fuss was about ok ಠ_ಠ ¯°_o)/¯ but anyway Brilliant right? Absolutely fantastic… Okay I’m kind of ashamed to say this but I did almost have a panic attack because the evaluation is due Wednesday and I started envisioning myself with all Fs and living in depression with no job or anything really, and you know one thing stumbles to another and… yeah, but the key word here is almost, but I didn’t and Im determined to go this year without a single one. So that happened, and what’s makes it worse is that I can’t complain about this computor as it was from my grandma and auntie given to me on my birthday (I won’t even go into that day, it was defiantly not a sweet sixteen, all I’ll say is that involved a fight, an ‘accident’ , and lots of ice) from america. Yeah this piece of shite was from america, so you’d think it’d work better than the my cheaper and BETTER Compaq mini (which I loved by the way, it was amazing until something went haywire with the battery… Maybe its just me, infecting everything with bad luck, honestly I would not be surprised). I asked my uncle if he could come pick me up and take me to the tech shop which he said yes to and said he was coming to pick me up, I waited hour three hours. He had guests over… Well i wouldn’t be mad if you’d just said that and I didn’t have to wait for so long fully dressed //side note, my dad is not around, because some personal stuff that I’m not talking about and my mom doesn’t know the shops/roads properly and cant drive me//. So yes, now unfortunately my posts might be a bit messy, or not how I want it as the WordPress app on my phone is not the best. I can’t really edit on it. And to top the day with with a pretty little cherry, my mom was also in a bad mood + me in a bad mood = BAD. So we did end up having a go at each other, perfect end to the day don’t you think? F*cking beautiful

Brilliant Timing

i starting this blog at the absolute perfect time, right when my GCSEs are starting in a few weeks and i wont have time to write, brilliant me, huh… what on earth was i thinking- ‘well even if i amount to nothing and fail atrociously in my exams, at least ill have an aesthetically pleasing blog that will be of the best quality’. yeah thats turning out great too, you have an outstanding 3 posts on your blog, one of them there just to fill out the empty void that is this blog not unlike your heart. okaaaay now that just became too deep, lets leave that for another post perferably after ive  hopefully passed (or failed, in which case, see you in the streets) my exams and im stressed as well as bored in college. See you then, but right now there wont be many posts.