College & The Future

Well, I’m officially growing up people. and i hate it… all this work into CVs and personal statements got me thinking when i was procrastinating the actual work that, im going to have serious people reading these… people are going to see me as an… adult…??? im going to get… a job maybe? ill soon be doing a serious course in university, with a part time job and perhaps living on my own. that is if i survive college. all this thoughts of jobs, university and everything, it feels so surreal and daunting. i mean ive always thought about the future alot, college and everything. i knew what was coming, id planned out everything since i was a child, because obviously what better way is there to spend an afternoon for a 7 year old girl. but seriously i feel like this is the first time its really dawning on me that its finally fast approaching, no longer a dream… and Im not ready. i didn’t expect this to come so early, well maybe i did but it was more a a ‘tomorrow’ kind of early. tomorrow is always right around the bend yet it never arrives. tomorrow will no longer be tomorrow when it comes. it only exists as a concept, an idea.  i just feel truly vulnerable now and at the risk of being seen as an utter coward, ill still be honest, its terrifying the crap out of me.

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Questioning Life with Ice Cream

Have you guys ever had a sort of surreal experience where you realize that you are the only one looking through your eyes
what if everyone around you is just a clever simulation what if the only one really alive is you?
how can you be sure you exist, what if your just asleep and your ‘dreams’ are glimpses of the horrible reality that out minds have dimmed out to ease it all
I don’t know, I think like this a lot… Its not very healthy really, but great for story ideas. Kinda sounds like the matrix now that I read it again. Why on earth am I thinking about this… Oh yeah studying. I was studying I swear, I just kinda wondered off
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You see? Physics, and ice cream. You woud be surprised how well they go together.

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2016

Wow, this year defiantly felt like it was going to be packed and it did not disappoint. All these awesome marvel and Disney movies coming out (yes I’m a huge marvel geek and yes, I am the only adult you saw waiting line for Finding Dory), leap year, Olympics and on the more depressing side, the death of a beloved actor (Alan Rickman) , rock star (David Bowie) and author (Harper Lee). But aside from those universal things everyone is experiencing, personally its also GCSE year, the year that’s going to determine which way my entire life will go from here on out… No pressure or anything. Also the year which I feel the most unravelled emotionally and accually have feelings??? Why is it that the most academically important year of your life is also the year your riddled with hormones and are really starting to discover who you are. Good thing about this year is that I feel the most mentally healthy than in a long time, I still suffer from social anxiety but by no means to the extent of which I used to. I really hate cliches but I have to say it- I really want this to be my year. I’ve always thought that was a weird kind of phrase, like what do you actually mean? But yeah I guess I just want this to be a memorable year, hopefully happy one with lots of “adventures” and hopefully productivity. I dont know (heads up, that phrase is going to around alot). I’m just feeling a lil odd these days, kinda emotional which is a surprise because I’m really not an emotional at all, I mean I’m not a robot or like a offensive Sheldon cooper kind of person, I understand social conventions and how people felt I just was very numb of my own. To be honest I don’t really care about my own feelings, because honestly I’m very lucky in terms of the world and others really are more in need of attention than me, I don’t need it. Yep I’m going on a rant now, where was this supposed to go its an absolute mess this should be in the rant catogary… No I’m making a new catogary PS- sorry this is so un organised and just a general mess, I’ll get better